Do you remember playing the game “Mother, can I?” when you were a kid? Of course not, because it’s called “Mother, may I?” In this elementary game, the chosen “Mother” calls on each player, and they must ask permission to move a certain number of steps. The Mother may grant (or deny) permission, or give an alternative move to perform, but the key is in the asking: “Mother, may I?” If the player forgets to structure their request like this, they’ll never reach the Mother, and the finish line. This playground game teaches children the rules of an essential question in the English language: “May I?”
Going back to Old English roots, the structure of “May I?” has been used to ask for permission. This question is formal, pleasant, and shows respect — when in doubt, go with this option. That said, if you’ve ever been on the receiving end of a snarky “I don’t know. CAN you?” retort to your question of “Can I?”, you can take solace in knowing that this structure is perfectly acceptable. “Can I?” is informal, and it’s a good option for casual requests when “may” sounds too ceremonious. “Can” has multiple definitions — yes, it refers to having the ability to do something (that’s what’s implied by the snarky nonanswer), but in the 1800s, it gained the definition of “to have permission.”
While we’ve resolved the “May I?” vs. “Can I?” debate, there are a few more prospects for asking permission. To get technical, “can” and “may” are modal verbs, meaning they work as helper verbs to express a hypothetical situation (for example, “I can pick up the kids, but if you leave work early, could you?”) Other modal verbs include “might,” “should,” “will,” “must,” and “would.” Depending on the context, several other modal verbs work for asking permission: “Might I ask who is calling?” or “Could I use your phone?” In order of increasing formality, the permission-seeking modal verbs are “can,” “could,” “may,” and “might.” Try to gauge the tone of your conversation and pick your modal verb appropriately.
